I'd rather share with you a notion I have that among the biggest signs of aging are the choices we make, choices we probably never made before, based on a new set of priorities. A pre-bucket list of choices, if you will, that's as individual as each of us but as common as death and taxes.
That's right. There are certain signs of aging that are common to most of us once we pass through that high-mileage gate at age fifty-five. By age sixty-five, our choices reflect not only the aging process on full throttle, they show those around us that we haven't any more time for nonsense. Here are a few examples of choices we men make that show our age:
1. Selecting slip-on footwear over lace-up footwear. Who has the time to strap themselves into their shoes anymore? Slippers, loafers and pull-on boots are the marks of a man who has no time to pay for the same real estate for the rest of his life. Those precious minutes spent lacing up your shoes every time could be better spent doing other things.
Like having a third cup of coffee or watching back-to-back episodes of The Andy Griffith Show instead of fetching the mail. The mail can wait. Nobody's going to steal your mail. Who in the hell wants your mail? It's mostly medical bills and utility bills anyway. With the time you save by "not doing your laces" (and not fetching your mail) you can stop and smell the roses, maybe for the first time in your entire life. Even if you don't have any roses.
2. Re-discovering Velcro. Maybe they don't make sneakers with Velcro closures anymore but that's what yard sales are for. The time you save by Velcro-ing your sneaks instead of lacing them up can add years onto your life by the time you die. Let's just hope they're not "scooter" years.
3. Not shaving every day. Why shave if you're not leaving the house that day? You can use the time saved by not shaving as your own personal fifteen minutes of fame. The trick is to not waste those fifteen minutes of "fame" in the can with The National Geographics.
4. You stop ogling women. Even if you never were an ogler, you suddenly feel the urge to appreciate attractive women from the neck up. Why? Because you want to be a "good guy" on your way out, not a dirty old man. Why? Because you're not so sure anymore that there isn't a hell, so you're going to be on the safe side, just in case. Then you smile and struggle to keep your gaze above their necks, preferably engaging their eyes with yours.
Now, that takes not only courage and discipline but self-confidence as well, qualities you desperately want to possess while you're still above ground. When the "babes" pass by, you try not to get caught while turning around to watch them leave. If they turn back around and catch you enjoying their spectacular departure, you just pretend they're ogling you. At your age, flirting with a ridiculous notion is better than heaping more guilt upon your already guilty conscience.
5. Getting stingy about heat. Heat is consumed fuel and that's money that you once had that you let slip through your fingers. You know you've got to keep warm so the money spent on heat is your biggest priority. Then you only use the gas or electric oven on cold days as extra heat to help out the furnace. You microwave your meals, whenever possible, instead of using the conventional oven or stove top all the time, to save on electricity or propane or natural gas. Whenever you do use the conventional oven, you sit in the kitchen by the stove and sip lemonade. It might not be Florida but it's certainly cheaper.
6. You reevaluate red meat, nicotine, alcohol, sugar, fat and salt. You realize that, not only are you all alone, you're not getting any younger. So, instead of that canned soup and salad for supper you feast on a Hungry Man Mexican Meal and have a couple beers with it instead of water. For dessert you have two mugs of coffee (you get reckless and put your cups away for good) and an eclair from the local bakery.
Then you light up that cigar your cousin gave you three years ago and which you tossed in the freezer for this very day. Then you snooze in front of the tube instead of rinsing the few dishes that need rinsing. When you wake up you have another beer with some beef jerky and cheese. Then you put in your time with the National Geographics.
7. Damn the torpedoes. One day you put all the dishes in the attic and stock your kitchen cupboards with styrofoam cups, plates and bowls. In a pinch, paper ones will do. While you're at it, you start buying plastic knives, forks and spoons to replace all that silverware that needs washing. With the time you save by hardly washing any dishes at all, you can increase your nap time to three naps a day. Maybe even four.
8. Full speed ahead. You forget that you're not only over-the-hill but as graceful as a pregnant elephant. In your forgetfulness, you decide to jog to the mailbox one day for the mail that no one in their right mind would want. Your feet have no idea what to do at this speed so you do a header, falling down in front of the neighbors and their dog. You decide to stay there until they get bored and stop staring, pointing and laughing. Then you carefully get up and go get a case of beer and a bottle of whiskey instead of getting the mail. The mail, like everything else in life, can damn well wait.
Editor's Note October 28, 2013: All written blog posts by Michael Casher are Copyright © Michael Casher. All rights reserved. Most of the textual blog post content by Michael Casher will eventually be available in printed book form and Kindle ebooks, whether or not Michael Casher is alive at the time. That's our plan. Thank you.
